More than what you see……

All of my blogs have special meaning to me. I don’t blog as often as I would like or should. The main reason I don’t is because I’m too tired. Yes, just tired. It may seem strange for some to think that I’m too tired to type on a phone or laptop, that it doesn’t take much energy. The thing is, it does. There are many times that I think of doing it but my body isn’t mentally or physically able because I suffer from chronic fatigue and pain.

You would never know this if I didn’t tell you. My personal Facebook page has revealed this a few times. Not for pity, sympathy, or praise…… but to motivate. I tell my friends because there are many who suffer with unknown health problems, chronic diagnosed health issues, or untreatable illnesses. I try to keep them going and pushing forward because I know how easy it is to want to curl in a ball and give up. But I don’t. And I don’t want others to as well.

Many people I know are not vocal about their health issues. Although I can be, I still try not to complain or be negative. To the point that even my medical field husband didn’t know just how bad I was until he said it one day. “You seem fine!” He says this as I explained to him to slow down as I was hurting one day and it was hard to walk. Mind you, I’m only in my 40’s. So from then on, I complained!

It started almost 4 years ago. December 17th will be the 4 year mark. I caught a virus. It wasn’t going away and I was extremely fatigued. I was diagnosed with subacute thyroiditis. No cure. No pills. Suffer through until it heals itself. I did that for 5 months. I am guessing I felt like a chemo patient at some points. I had energy to work one day and had to take off two. I could get out of bed but only enough to reach the couch. I worked and off. Worked and off. I know it drove my co-workers crazy because they told me. I didn’t look sick. I dressed up for work and did my job.

While at my desk I suffered pain just to sit in my chair. I suffered pain in my feet I could not control which made it hard to walk. My legs hurt so bad they felt like they were being squeezed. After the 5 months of a misguided thyroid, it became fine during my blood tests.  I was ok. But I wasn’t. The fatigue and pain did not go away. It was a little better but I could not function to the pre-thyroid life. I still couldn’t work full time. I had to hire a house cleaner for the first time in my life. I couldn’t even sweep my kitchen floor without it throwing me on the couch. My exercise days were gone!

Speed up 3.5 years. I still have no diagnosis 7 doctors later. My blood tests are fine. They won’t diagnose chronic fatigue syndrome even though that’s pretty much my symptoms. One wanted to diagnose fibromyalgia just to get a diagnosis recorded. So, doing my own research I found the Paleo diet, which has helped tremendously. I also found homemade bone broth which is another bonus for me. I actually am able to work and have some sort of life. I push forward and I don’t give up.

That’s the problem. I look good. I look energized and ready to go. I don’t complain as much as possible (except to direct family and close friends) so I look healthy. I attend my hubby’s dirt bike races. I haven’t missed nearly the work I did in the past. I work hard to be a good employee and wife. My kids are all grown and 3,000 miles away but I try to be there by phone. I live a good life and I motivate people.

What is NOT seen is that when I go places, I hurt to get out of the car. It takes a few steps to relieve the pain to move normally. When I go to my husband’s dirt bike races, I have a blown up mattress my husband got me to sleep on when on long drives or at the race to get rest. When I go places I take a lot of pictures from the car but edit them to remove the dashboard and windows. I want the picture nice. I don’t want my personal problems in them. I smile when I hurt and I’m tired. I laugh to live life. I have fun so I don’t give up. I come home from work to make dinner and that’s all I can do. I haven’t written on my book in a long time. I have been working on the same quilt for 4 months because I have no energy to finish. I should not have to explain, but I know I’m not the only one.

Do not judge on what only your eyes see. Be kind to everyone because you don’t know their sufferings. You may be in a good place, so pass that on with a smile or hug. One nice gesture can be all it takes to keep someone else pushing on.

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